Of insecurities and dreams

Looking through old doodles, I understand my past self better. I think I drew this during the last semester of college, when everything was bittersweet as the days were becoming numbered. I had a best friend I thought the world of, maybe more than that. I remembered pushing myself outside my comfort zone during this time in an effort to make the best memories possible.

Can you spot the 3 easter eggs? (A crumbling mask, a guy silhouette with earphones, and an OHANA word)

The main feature here is the girl with the Queen of Hearts card backdrop, it’s clear that Eleanor* meant a lot to me. She was my best friend a geek could ever ask for, and we always supported each other in every way, from midnight Skype karaoke sessions to frequent deep meaningful conversations (dmcs). Even so, I was blinded by her simple brilliance, I secretly wished for more, even though I knew it was never going to work out (she didn’t want to be tied down, I didn’t want to be single). I took the bold step and asked her to be my girlfriend despite all of that, but in the end we sat down and cleared up everything about our relationship. Painful, but necessary, and I’m glad that our friendship came out stronger for the wear.

Towards the top left corner the design becomes more music-y. It reflects my time spent in the college AV team where we helped at a lot of events, and also cheeky music-mixing whenever possible. I’d say it was more of a fun thing that we did, and we got paid for it 😀

On another note, the top left corner has an inverted guy silhoutte with a crumbling mask (spotted it yet?). Sometimes, you get the feeling that you could be so much more if only  you spoke up more, if only you were braver, stronger, smarter etc. If that person was/is you, I can relate. We’ve been there, wishing for so much more, and that was my wish in the form of a drawing, where you could finally put down that mask and be yourself with the world. For me, the practical solution was to stop dreaming the life I wanted, and to start living my dream. Love parkour? Joined the parkour club. Like Latin dancing? Go for classes. Like organizing camps and learning new skills? Sign up. And this was the way I got over my insecurities, and when you do, you realize that everybody is looks at themselves far harder than they do at you.

Even right now, as I’m writing this post, I’ve changed a lot, but I’m still learning to put down that mask permanently. It’s as the inverted excerpt at the top right says:

“We always have a choice. Don’t dream the life. LIVE THE DREAM.”

Looking back, this was one doodle that doesn’t look much at first, but has great sentimental value. What is your relationship with yourself, and how did you get over your fears/insecurities? Also, should I make a colored version of this doodle? Let me know in the comments below, and I hereby give you permission to make today the best day of your life.


*Name changed for privacy reasons. You know who you are, and wherever you go, I wish you only happiness.

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